I always tell my younger sisters and brother that there's a virtue in silence. Especially when there's an argument at home. I tell them there's no use agitating an already agitated situation by spouting angry words that would probably exacerbate an already bad situation. This is something I practice most of the time.
Sometimes, too much.
It's why I make people nervous.
There's a saying in our house that one could determine how angry I am by my silence. If I'm still talking, then they could still make fun of me and coax me into a good mood. If I'm not speaking, then it's the proverbial hell to pay. It's mostly true, actually. I'm physically unable to speak when I'm mad. And I'd probably have this dark, dark aura surrounding me--or an almost visual smoke coming out of my head. I guess I'm the person which proves the expression "stewing in silence." I do that a lot.
It's not that I get angry a lot. Usually, I have this protective mind barrier which allows me to not care about whatever people say or do which has caused many people to call me a "robot" or sometimes "tin man" or simply "heartless." I just don't react. I mean, I don't have to, right?
But it's a different thing altogether when I'm with people close to me. It's probably because my barriers are usually down with them and a simple thing could make me an "angry bird" like my sister calls me. Note, I don't really get close to people a lot or very fast. Unless there's a buffer (like my siblings or my close friends), it usually takes me a year to five before I actually open up to a person. And that is if I like you.
If I don't... then I'll be very nice to you.
This is not sarcasm on my part. You can ask my friends and they'll tell you I rarely, if ever, treat them nice. Not that I treat them badly, but with them I can be freely sarcastic, sometimes be a merciless bully (okay, most of the time), judgey with their actions and misconducts, and, well, you know. Basically, I would treat them like I would treat family--with loving callousness. If you're wondering why they stick with me despite my seemingly bad character, well, if I'm to answer that, then it must be because beyond the words, they understand how much they mean to me and that I'll do anything in my power to help them no matter the situation. I'm practically a putty in their hands. Especially the younger ones. It's despicable how much I spoil them while being rough about it. Those little manipulators.
Anyway, I maybe poker-faced and unfeeling, but I take care of mine. If I'll be asked to describe myself in one word, it's "loyal." Despite all my quirks and bad personality, once I accept a person, that's almost always for life.
I do not say that lightly. I've been betrayed and hurt by people I loved many times and very badly, but whenever other people talked bad about them, I become angry. I'd find myself actually stewing. Sometimes I even find myself defending them even though for all intents and purposes, I hate them, too. It's just... I truly don't know. Like my cloak of silence, it's something I just do.
So if I'm still very, very nice to a person, we're probably not close. With some exceptions, of course. I have this one friend who always says I'm very nice even though I tend to talk to her like she's some troublesome five-year-old (she usually is). She actually thanks me when I tell her off callously. Well, it's probably mostly because she's a really nice person.
My silence, I've seen, though it repels some people, is very comfortable for people close to me. Despite my angry bird instances, my silence allows them to talk. And talk they would. Sometimes too much that I'm almost tempted to sew their lips shut. But of course that I don't tell them. I just find it bad manners to do so. Even if they cut me, it's hard for me to do the same. I think the closest thing I have to doing this is when I tell them, "Don't talk to me right now. I'm (not in the mood, too angry, angry, about to shove my fist on your mouth)." Okay, not the last one. Mostly I imagined saying it (if you're not my sibling). But you get the flow.
Too, my silence lulls them into telling me secrets. Even secrets I'd rather not know or be party to. Most of the time, I surprise people whenever they tell me gossips and I tell them "I know." Maybe it's because they know I am unable to share their secrets to anyone? Because they're right. I can't. Unless their secret becomes a "free secret."
There was this one instance when a childhood friend told me he got accepted to medical school but didn't tell anyone. He told me to keep it a secret so, of course, I did. Then the next day, I saw a flood of congratulations in our group chat and boy did I call him all kinds of idiots I could think of. "You told me!" I shouted angrily at him. He just laughed and said, "Well, they asked. So I told them."
Don't worry, we're still friends. What happened was that I was released from an auto-promise of keeping a secret. Those instances, I find myself able to talk freely about it to other people. Free secrets, you know.
Another thing about silence is that it makes you mysterious to people. They don't know what you're thinking (unless, for me, I'm being an angry bird) and it makes you a dangerous person to cross.
Point in fact, except for first grade when I was bullied by a teacher (yes, a middle-aged, wrinkled long-time teacher) when I transferred back to a provincial public school, I wasn't ever bullied again. Well, classmates tried a few times, but they gave up because (1) I packed a mean punch, (2) I was very imaginative on how to make them suffer, (3) I knew how to boss around other classmates who would bully them, (4) I have killer eyes.
The last one is not a joke. I did, at one time, been called K.E. by friends because of my eyes. Even when I wasn't doing or thinking anything of import and my eyes would just fall on someone randomly, my blank stare would make them squirm and they would ask me what was wrong. Those years before I discovered make-up were worse. For some reason, my bare, slanted eyes stare just scared people. I was practically untouchable, I tell you. But because I was very silent, it made me into a ghost, too.
Now that I think about it, yeah, I was probably very creepy. I like watching people, especially when I'm trying to write. I want to see how people react to their surroundings.
Or at least I did. Nowadays, I'm just too tired. If I stare at people, either I find them weird, or I find them irritating. Sometimes both. Unless I'm watching a presentation or preaching, of course.
Speaking of presentations, because I'm too silent, I tend to get overlooked a lot of times whenever there's a big class or a group. But sometimes the opposite happens. Some instructors or presenters (teachers, professors, whatnot) zeroes-in on me because (I've proven this) I was too focused on them. Several times, I found myself the direct recipient of a question or a "Do you have any question?" Sometimes, I'd answer, but mostly I'd shake my head no. To tell the truth, those times were kind of creepy.
As one who's more comfortable with anonymity, being noticed like that always throws me off. Even in small groups. The only time I expect people to notice me is when they want me to do something. I've been secretary to a lot of groups I've been in. If not, I was usually the much aggrieved leader who did ninety percent of the project. Most of the time, I didn't--don't--mind. I actually work better alone.
You'd probably see my name on the words synonymous to "introvert."
Nevertheless, it's an okay existence. The silence... protects me. Mostly.
I usually don't get into pointless arguments (with non-friends and non-family) because I simply don't care enough to embroil myself in them. When I'm irritated, I resort to saying under my breath, "those stupid people," until my mind clears and my irritation disappears. When I don't like a person, I simply ignore. It practically takes me years to make friends, but I'm okay with it. The ones I have, I cherish dearly and vice versa. Our roaring, pointless, and amusing arguments could attest to that.
If sometimes it feels like I'm living in a Rapunzel-like tower, well, who isn't? Mine just happened to be silence.
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