I said this a million times before,
"I hope you hurt!" I exclaimed time and again.
And in my mind I kept saying,
"I hope you love deeply,
I hope you love so strongly,
I hope you love so painfully,
That when the love breaks and the emotions ebb,
Your suffering will be like a wishing well
With bottomless hope and despair."
Like melancholia found at the bottom of the steep,
Endless cave carved at the side of the highest mountain.
I hoped you would soar to the highest plains,
That when you fall, you would also feel
This insurmountable pain of loving--
And losing it.
Like a mind brought to ecstasy by a genius spark,
Only to plummet to oblivion because of unclear marks.
I wanted this. I wished this for you.
After you gave me hope, only to take more than your due.
So that you may find greener pastures,
And more beautiful views.
So I hated and hated and hated.
Even as I ached because I loved you.
Each day a gamble of whether I curse you,
Or I let go of you.
Of me thinking clearly and realizing I am breaking,
And of me not caring and wishing the same for you.
Should I go on? This parade of pain unseen.
My mind is filled with yeses and nos,
Of pain acknowledged and ignored.
I am walking forward, but I stay in place.
This is what it feels like to love and be unloved.
The tears have stopped falling,
The heart keeps on beating with steady rhythm.
But it's all for show, all for appearances.
As all I want to do is ruin you and hurt you.
Yet I ask myself--Is it love
If I curse you for breaking my heart?
Will it still be love if I curse you with the same pain,
The same hollowness, the same sadness?
Or will it be like a tantrum of a child scorned?
Like an overindulged cat with no sense of compassion?
Will it still be love if I chant each day,
"I hope you hurt"?
It has become a case of foolishness and lack of control.
But I cannot stop. For now, I cannot stop.
As pain floods the soul and drives away rational thoughts,
All I could do is hang on to despair and its accompanying sorrow.
Letting the storm finish its course,
That I may stop hating and despairing
For a love gone. A love loss.
And maybe wish you happy tidings when I remember your smiles.
But for now, let me hang on to my curses,
Hoping you do not fall on them.
Or maybe not.
#R.M. 21.12.24