Love Me More

 Isn't this a surprise?

Last time we talked,

I said goodbye, I'll stop with this nonsense,

And you stood there looking through me,

Not saying anything.

Not caring about my leaving.

Now I see you in the news,

Telling people that you

Want to be able to love more.

Just a few weeks after you let me go.

After I told my friends

That I need to love less.

Aren't we a pair of fools?

Telling each other nothing,

And yet telling the world all that we need.

If I loved you less, would you have stopped me?

Would you have loved me more?

Or would you still look at me with vacant eyes?

I saw your message and ignored it.

I heard your voicemail and ignored it.

Isn't two months too long, too late

To stop me from leaving?

I already left. I said my tearful goodbyes,

And saw your eyes shift to the other side.

Is this your mournful voice I hear?

I made sure to miss your calls.

Stop calling me in the morning,

During lunch, and after my work.

My heart has turned black--at least for you.

There's no gift that can turn me back.

Stop giving these speeches.

I will not listen anymore.

My heartbreak avenue was done one block past this door.

You chose to go to her while letting me hang.

I do not care for half of your heart and lies.

Keep loving me more while I keep walking goodbye.

#RM 22.04.14

Let's Runaway

 I heard you've been crying

My condolences are late, 

For I have made it my resolution to forget you.

And yet here I am again.

How are you?

Are you in pain?

Something endless and tragic,

Like my life has been after you ruined me

And came back again and again.

Do you sleep?

I skipped a month of friendly chats

Just so I can remove you from my earshot.

If not my memories.

It's still a project in process.

Did I fail?

Why do you look so gaunt

As if you've lost all soul and control?

I offer condolences,

But whom did you lose this time?

Was it love?

Unlike what you've said we've had--

Just friendship, you said.

A special relationship with privileges.

Though they were mostly for you.

So what now?

Here I am again, opening my abused heart

And overly burdened hands.

But why would you care about that?

If I can offer you refuge in this quicksand.

Come away with me?

#RM 22.02.11

I Hope You Hurt

 I said this a million times before,

"I hope you hurt!" I exclaimed time and again.

And in my mind I kept saying,

"I hope you love deeply,

I hope you love so strongly,

I hope you love so painfully,

That when the love breaks and the emotions ebb,

Your suffering will be like a wishing well

With bottomless hope and despair."

Like melancholia found at the bottom of the steep,

Endless cave carved at the side of the highest mountain.

I hoped you would soar to the highest plains,

That when you fall, you would also feel

This insurmountable pain of loving--

And losing it.

Like a mind brought to ecstasy by a genius spark,

Only to plummet to oblivion because of unclear marks.

I wanted this. I wished this for you.

After you gave me hope, only to take more than your due.

So that you may find greener pastures,

And more beautiful views.

So I hated and hated and hated.

Even as I ached because I loved you.

Each day a gamble of whether I curse you,

Or I let go of you.

Of me thinking clearly and realizing I am breaking,

And of me not caring and wishing the same for you.

Should I go on? This parade of pain unseen.

My mind is filled with yeses and nos,

Of pain acknowledged and ignored.

I am walking forward, but I stay in place.

This is what it feels like to love and be unloved.

The tears have stopped falling, 

The heart keeps on beating with steady rhythm.

But it's all for show, all for appearances.

As all I want to do is ruin you and hurt you.

Yet I ask myself--Is it love

If I curse you for breaking my heart?

Will it still be love if I curse you with the same pain,

The same hollowness, the same sadness?

Or will it be like a tantrum of a child scorned?

Like an overindulged cat with no sense of compassion?

Will it still be love if I chant each day,

"I hope you hurt"?

It has become a case of foolishness and lack of control.

But I cannot stop. For now, I cannot stop.

As pain floods the soul and drives away rational thoughts,

All I could do is hang on to despair and its accompanying sorrow.

Letting the storm finish its course,

That I may stop hating and despairing

For a love gone. A love loss.

And maybe wish you happy tidings when I remember your smiles.

But for now, let me hang on to my curses,

Hoping you do not fall on them.

Or maybe not.

#R.M. 21.12.24