Vivid Still

Sometimes, it's still so vivid behind my closed eyes. The time, the place, the way I stood up by the broken wall of our house as my mother talked on the phone by the front door. The way she slid down crying. The feeling of something sinking inside of me as I heard part of the conversation. The way everything seemed to move in slow motion as I rushed in to support my mother. My uncles. My aunties. Everyone in that compound seemed to be crowding us as we listened to the phone call. Then suddenly my younger siblings were there in disjointed scenes. My cousin was talking on the phone, delivering the bad news.

And then the memory rushes to my mother, uncle, and I driving--such an excruciatingly long drive--while I cried silently to avoid causing more pain. Then another call telling us to skip the hospital and go straight to the morgue. And then the morgue. Filled wall to wall of bloated bodies, victims of the last typhoon just a few days ago. Some from another superstorm. The smell of formaldehyde overpowering everything else. And then the table with the unrecognizable body. Full of holes and lacking its pair of false teeth which distorted the jaw. And blood. There was still blood everywhere. The formaldehyde covered some of the smell, but one remembers the smell of spilled blood nonetheless. The crying and fainting. But not me. I couldn't. I had to be still. At nineteen, I had to be still like a tree and just absorb everything standing still.

I open my eyes. The tears come again. That sinking feeling that never left a part of me. That nineteen-year-old who will always be trapped, unable to fall, unable to give up. Sometimes I feel like I should quit. Maybe that would make the images fade away. But I can't. And maybe it won't.

The tears dry for now. And I close my eyes again. The images are still there, still vivid. But I'm a little calmer now. A little older. With thousands more miles to go.

A perennial nineteen-year-old tree planted by the fickle river.

Actively Being Still

In our recent karate class, our master kept telling us that we needed to hold still whenever we are told to do "chunbi" ("joon bi", "ready stance"). No moving around arranging your hair, uniform, or scratching that rebel itch at the side of your face. Hold still. Do not move.

Then he went around asking why he kept reminding us this. Some answered that we needed to be ready. But how? Some answered that we needed to focus our energy. Yes, but why? What's the reason that all karate forms start with "chunbi"? Personally, I thought it was because we needed to be aware of our surroundings. And it turned out all of these things were correct. 

But why?

It was because when we're in chunbi, we are focusing our energy, not wasting energy on unnecessary actions, and making ourselves ready for anything that might happen around us. You're in an attention stance, but your muscles are limber enough that you can react as needed, whenever needed. Your muscles are ready but not tensed. In short, in chunbi--while not moving--you are actually keeping yourself prepared. 

In chunbi, even when you are not moving, you are not passive. Instead, you are actively waiting to react.

As I was standing there, nodding my head, I suddenly realized that this is what God meant in Psalm 46:10:

"He says, 'Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.'"

He didn't say "be still and worry" or "be still and do nothing," or even "be still and make yourself sick with busyness." Instead, He said, "be still and know." He's not telling us to be clueless spectators of what He's going to do. Instead, He wants us to actively prepare while holding still and knowing that He's got it.

How can one actively be still? I kept asking myself. It's a very contradictory thing to understand. Then I went back to the concept of chunbi and that helped me understand better.

Chunbi is usually done before doing hyungs (forms) which are imaginary fight forms made up of different combinations of movements and techniques that are intended to develop a karate student's fighting skills. It takes a lot of practice and repetitive movements to actually perfect hyungs; and if you don't practice and memorize, your mind will forget the forms and your muscles will not remember the movements. And in preparation for doing these hyungs, one needs to be focused and still. So you can remember the techniques, so you can prepare to make the techniques, and so you have enough power and energy to do the techniques well. Because if you keep moving around, you waste energy and you risk losing focus and power.

Isn't that the same with our lives? When we are too busy worrying or doing something else because of paranoia or our endless fear of what-ifs, we lose focus and we lose energy. Until such time that we actually don't want to do anything else anymore. We say that we are tired of everything and unable to go on, but we forget that we are so because we don't know how to follow simple instructions: be still.

But when we are actively being still, we are not only not moving--we are actually keeping ourselves ready with focus, power, and energy. So that when the time comes that we need to move, when God says "sheejak" (start), we are ready to work well because we are actively preparing.

But does it end there? No. 

God said, "and know that I am God." He did not just say "be still" and do nothing else. That's because actively being still includes the next part, the hyung part. The fight techniques we need to memorize and practice again and again and again so our mind and body won't forget. Hyungs are the Word and promises of God. It's the only way we can know Him. He is our technique.

When we say we know God, we know His words. We meditate on it day and night like what He said to Joshua (see Joshua 1:8). We remember them. We practice them. His words are our defense and offense against the power of this world. All the negative things that life throws at us, the problems that seem to be unsolvable, the issues we cannot get over, the fights that keep on pushing us down, the let-downs that keep on dragging us down the dark rabbit hole--God's Word is our armor, sword, and shield. And just like hyungs we need to practice them nonstop to make sure they stick and become instinctive and reflexive. It's the only way we can fight well. 

While in chunbi, a sudden family problem arises but you are able to move and defend yourself because you are ready to react. A work problem kicks you but you averted it because you saw it coming and was able to prepare yourself. A health problem tries to punch you in the gut but you defend and punch back because you have the power to fight back. This is what actively being still means. 

We focus on God by being still and fight back with His Word when needed.

And we have this promise that we will win. Because when God said, "and know that I am God," He also said that He "will be exalted among the nations, and [He] will be exalted in the earth." And one cannot be exalted over all nations and the earth unless one is the winner--the top of everything. This is not arrogance but assurance from God. 

This is why Paul said in Romans 8:31, "What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?"

When we have God as our armor, offense, and defense, what can these problems do to us? Make us cry? Maybe. Weaken us? Maybe. Make us doubt? Most likely. Shake our faith? Possibly. But if we hold on to to our hyungs and keep our chunbi a good one, can these things defeat us? No. Unequivocally no.

If we keep ourselves prepared and focused by actively being still, and meditating on God's words and promises day and night, we are undefeatable. We may get bruised in the process, but we won't go down in the fight. Because we know when and how to fight. 

Our life journey is often arduous and crazy. Full of highs, lows, and valleys of humility that we really don't know what's going to happen next. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. But one thing is for sure, if we are actively being still and we keep practicing our offense-defense techniques, we're going to be fine.

Our God who is exalted among the nations and the earth will make sure of it.

So, be still!

A New Chapter

 It's been a long time,

A struggled climb,

A long walk,

An arduous run,

Falling in, down, and up.

And now here we are,

A new chapter that we only

Prayed for,

Hoped for,

Dreamed about.

From the tears and failures

That paved the ragged bridge

Of this present tomorrow,

Here we are standing on the brink

Almost too lost to feel

The giddy feeling of finally,

Finally,

Finally.

With broken hearts and 

Fractured faith,

We step on,

Step.

Step.

Another step.

It felt like it would never come

To this.

Still another step,

As we cross the bridge.

From this moment on,

It's the beginning.

#rmpsd 22.8.21

Dad

 I hated the late nights for so many years, 

When you would knock loudly while coughing.

Even more when I smell the smoke.

I would often think,

Doesn't he care that folks are already sleeping

And his foul smell rouses asthma attacks?

How can he not care about this family?

Then you left so suddenly,

Without warning, and with great heartache.

How can you leave with only a

"I'll see you tonight. Take care of your siblings."

When you would come back with 

Bullets holes on your heart and your shoulders

Burned on my memories like tattoos

That can never be erased?

Nineteen summers of love-hate cycles,

Filled with forgotten laughters

And unending misunderstandings.

I never thought I would cry when midnight comes

And I turn on the kettle for your coffee,

Check if the door is unlocked so you don't have to wake me,

And you don't come.

I was foolish in my insensitivities.

Thought only of my inconveniences

When I never stopped to consider your burden,

Your lonely and tired back which carried

Your rugged bag everyday, without failure.

And came home to a sleeping house,

With a banshee for a door-opener.

Forgive this foolish girl.

As years passed by and I did the same

Commuting everyday, bone-tired from the endless

Ups and downs, standing ups and barely sitting downs,

My teardrops fell unbidden as I stared on the

Passing dark sceneries on the long way home.

I was tired, and all I was able to think was,

This is what you did everyday.

Belatedly, I uttered a "thank you" that I never got to say.

#RM.22.05.16

Love Me More

 Isn't this a surprise?

Last time we talked,

I said goodbye, I'll stop with this nonsense,

And you stood there looking through me,

Not saying anything.

Not caring about my leaving.

Now I see you in the news,

Telling people that you

Want to be able to love more.

Just a few weeks after you let me go.

After I told my friends

That I need to love less.

Aren't we a pair of fools?

Telling each other nothing,

And yet telling the world all that we need.

If I loved you less, would you have stopped me?

Would you have loved me more?

Or would you still look at me with vacant eyes?

I saw your message and ignored it.

I heard your voicemail and ignored it.

Isn't two months too long, too late

To stop me from leaving?

I already left. I said my tearful goodbyes,

And saw your eyes shift to the other side.

Is this your mournful voice I hear?

I made sure to miss your calls.

Stop calling me in the morning,

During lunch, and after my work.

My heart has turned black--at least for you.

There's no gift that can turn me back.

Stop giving these speeches.

I will not listen anymore.

My heartbreak avenue was done one block past this door.

You chose to go to her while letting me hang.

I do not care for half of your heart and lies.

Keep loving me more while I keep walking goodbye.

#RM 22.04.14

Let's Runaway

 I heard you've been crying

My condolences are late, 

For I have made it my resolution to forget you.

And yet here I am again.

How are you?

Are you in pain?

Something endless and tragic,

Like my life has been after you ruined me

And came back again and again.

Do you sleep?

I skipped a month of friendly chats

Just so I can remove you from my earshot.

If not my memories.

It's still a project in process.

Did I fail?

Why do you look so gaunt

As if you've lost all soul and control?

I offer condolences,

But whom did you lose this time?

Was it love?

Unlike what you've said we've had--

Just friendship, you said.

A special relationship with privileges.

Though they were mostly for you.

So what now?

Here I am again, opening my abused heart

And overly burdened hands.

But why would you care about that?

If I can offer you refuge in this quicksand.

Come away with me?

#RM 22.02.11

I Hope You Hurt

 I said this a million times before,

"I hope you hurt!" I exclaimed time and again.

And in my mind I kept saying,

"I hope you love deeply,

I hope you love so strongly,

I hope you love so painfully,

That when the love breaks and the emotions ebb,

Your suffering will be like a wishing well

With bottomless hope and despair."

Like melancholia found at the bottom of the steep,

Endless cave carved at the side of the highest mountain.

I hoped you would soar to the highest plains,

That when you fall, you would also feel

This insurmountable pain of loving--

And losing it.

Like a mind brought to ecstasy by a genius spark,

Only to plummet to oblivion because of unclear marks.

I wanted this. I wished this for you.

After you gave me hope, only to take more than your due.

So that you may find greener pastures,

And more beautiful views.

So I hated and hated and hated.

Even as I ached because I loved you.

Each day a gamble of whether I curse you,

Or I let go of you.

Of me thinking clearly and realizing I am breaking,

And of me not caring and wishing the same for you.

Should I go on? This parade of pain unseen.

My mind is filled with yeses and nos,

Of pain acknowledged and ignored.

I am walking forward, but I stay in place.

This is what it feels like to love and be unloved.

The tears have stopped falling, 

The heart keeps on beating with steady rhythm.

But it's all for show, all for appearances.

As all I want to do is ruin you and hurt you.

Yet I ask myself--Is it love

If I curse you for breaking my heart?

Will it still be love if I curse you with the same pain,

The same hollowness, the same sadness?

Or will it be like a tantrum of a child scorned?

Like an overindulged cat with no sense of compassion?

Will it still be love if I chant each day,

"I hope you hurt"?

It has become a case of foolishness and lack of control.

But I cannot stop. For now, I cannot stop.

As pain floods the soul and drives away rational thoughts,

All I could do is hang on to despair and its accompanying sorrow.

Letting the storm finish its course,

That I may stop hating and despairing

For a love gone. A love loss.

And maybe wish you happy tidings when I remember your smiles.

But for now, let me hang on to my curses,

Hoping you do not fall on them.

Or maybe not.

#R.M. 21.12.24

I Will Be Your Quiet Place

The silent worries you've carried in your heart

Take them out and place them in your palm. 

Then take this open box and place them here.

And feel your worries disappear.

At least for today. 

Take my hand, winter child

And let me keep you warm today.

No words are needed, just be this way

Smile, sigh or stare into the Milky Way

While I hold your hand.

Unplug yourself and feel at peace,

Even if the phone rings, there is no rush.

Feel free and let your muscles relax,

Be comforted that responsibilities

Are in my pockets today.

If you need to lie down and close your eyes,

Do not feel sorry; do not be alarmed.

I will keep count of the hours

And shield you from the rising sun.

Tomorrow is soon enough.

Do not be afraid to waste time today,

For my arms are wide enough

To enjoy the extreme and the banal.

There will be no shrieks of fear.

There will be no limits here.

When the phone keeps ringing,

Articles keep multiplying, and 

Many people find faults in all your doings,

Keep your head high and your heart strong.

I will be behind you through it all.

If the sun shines bright tomorrow

And your steps are lighter, your smile easier.

I will still keep your box of worries in my pocket.

And hold your hand, and pat your back.

I will be your quiet place, always constant.

R.M. 21.11.15

Thirty-Six

 I hope this becomes a new beginning,

A new year of blessings

Of joy, tears, and pain

Overshadowed by hope

And better tomorrows.

I hope today you start believing

That you are more than praises

And hollow words of love.

That you will see the bright path ahead

Without artificial lights.

I hope that you remember to stop

And rest, taking stock of what you have,

What you plan to have, what you can't.

And see that in everything,

There's a bigger plan.

I hope that you trust not just your heart

Or the confusing noise of people 

Who aims to please when you are around,

But who questions when you are not.

But trust the power bigger than you are.

I hope that you step out of the ocean

And believe that impossible things

Can happen according to plan,

If you just believe. Just believe.

An exercise of more than just the body.

I hope that you win more

Not just hearts and awards,

But also forgotten mornings, afternoons,

Evenings, including orange-pink dawn breaks.

Breathe. Breathe. And take joy in what you have.

I hope that you celebrate this day

More than with wine, cakes, and vodka.

More with laughter, love, and acceptance

That you can be just as you are,

And be loved. Deeply loved.

Dearest winter child, happy birthday.

#R.M. 21.11.11

Autumn Rain

As the heavy droplets hit the glass of the car

I remembered you and your sparkling smile.

Are you well, my love?

Did you catch a cold?

I know how much you dislike the changes

In temperature and seasons.

The heavy lineup of cars in front,

And at the back made me a little lonesome.

For they stopped the clock 

And gave me time to think

About the things I told myself

To give up--like you.

My dear winter-child who brings sunshine,

Your hold over me traverse

Time and universe.

When you left my letter unopened

And my messages unanswered,

I knew then that this bitter hope

Should not be given free rein any longer.

But here I am still thinking,

Still wishing, still counting down

The days, the hours, the minutes.

Even though for you, my tears are less precious

Than the droplets on my windshield.

We made no promises, but

My heart is weighed down by wishes.

The light finally turned green.

And as I move slowly, a little forward, 

A little stop.

I was thankful for the distraction of 

Mindless actions. Reflexes,

Like my heart beating with your name,

And my eyes only seeing you

Despite the heavy rain.

The leaves are falling still.

Their colors are changing, even

As they get blown by the bitter wind.

They don't know where they are going.

But as they fall on the ground, wet,

They still hope for rebirth

And possibly, love.

#rmpsd 21.11.01

Dear Love,

 Dear Love,

When I said, "I hope you hurt!"

I wasn't thinking well. 

Or maybe I was. 

But it was mostly because I was incensed.

I opened myself to you.

Bared my burdens and losses,

My pains and regrets.

Even my secret joys and plans.

And yet you replied

With your silence

And the news of loving

Someone else.

Maybe Congreve was right

When he wrote about The Mourning Bride.

"Heaven has no rage, like love to hatred turned,

Nor hell a fury, like a woman scorned."

Only I don't hate you.

It was a momentary rage

In which my mouth opened 

And uttered a proposterous curse.

"I hope you hurt!"

But I didn't expect it will be like this.

With you publicly slighted,

With you bravely smiling still

Even when your eyes are full of sorrow,

And your lips look stiff of smiling.

I want to reach out and touch your face,

To tell you it's going to be okay.

That it will be better with time.

That the pain will fade away.

Like the pain you caused me,

With your callous ingenuity,

And preference for paper-deep beauty.

I can still hear the words on paper,

And your silent laugh full of love

But not for me.

I wished you were deeply hurt.

Yes.

But not like this. 

With you working like there's no tomorrow,

While someone else moves on

Without you.

Took away your smile,

Which I begrudged you many months ago.

Did I really cause this?

Or was it your people-loving personality?

Which always craves praises,

Upon praises, upon praises.

Along with reaffirmation.

I knew all these, but I loved you still.

Nevertheless, I take back my words.

I hope your hurt will only last a moment.

And you find a firmer footing,

Where the person within,

Does not need any validation,

Except from yourself alone.

So that you may accept love,

A love that's true. 

A love that's deep.

A love that will fill in the void.

May your pain ebb away.

May your hurt fade away.

And your hurt turn into a road

For a brighter happy ending.

R.M. 2021.08.23

At the End of the Day

 At the end of the day

After many nights of tears and heartaches,

This treacherous heart slowly eases.

The ache fades bit by bit

Until all that’s left

Is the sadness.

Of regret, of sorrow.

Of things left unsaid.

The well of tears dries up

Like a wanton abandoning

Its troubled mate.

The eyes that can only see you

Slowly closes, little by little.

The weight drowning the crying heart

Lightens like the sun breaking the dawn.

And the memories start to fade

Until I can no longer see your face.

Your eyes, your hands, your lips

Become fleeting memories.

The blood that stopped moving within,

Caving into coldness,

Had started pumping through the veins

Bringing warmth and lightness

Even as this troubled soul reaches

The lowest trench within.

I can’t see you now.

I can’t remember the small things.

I have forgotten your voice.

All your whispered laughter and doubts.

The feet have started moving,

Forward. Forward. And forward still.

Is this emptiness

The void in the storm

That was once called your love?

Or is this how love ends.

Just like this.

Just like this.

Like winter and summer

With no spring in between?

A lone wolf’s cry breaks the silence,

And my feet keep on moving.

At the end of the day,

The road was empty and open still.

R.M.  2021.08.04

Thirty-Five Years

 Behind you lies thirty-four years

Of happiness and pain

Of struggles and excitement

The endless parade of things to do

And pit-stops for refreshment.

Far and few in between,

But each step secure in its direction.

You are walking far, far,

As far as the star-lined pavement

Can take your heart and butterfly dreams.

In front of you lies miles and miles

Of unpaved yellow roads,

Roads not taken,

Roads not yet there,

And roads full of love and regrets.

Still, hold your head up high

And fly, run, walk,

Whatever you need to find

And touch those dreams

You've always kept in your heart.

Today, take a while to remember

All the good things that passed by,

All the bad things that made you cry.

Let your heart ache and rejoice

For a while--just a little while.

It is one of those rare times

When you can look back 

And look ahead.

Plan your steps based on your regrets,

On your shining thirty fifth year.

R.M. 2021.07.12

서인국 씨에게

You Shine Brightly

You shine brightly dear

Like the southern constellations

Dotting and flowing through New Zealand's sky.

As I walk through these impossible valleys,

This is what circles in my mind:

You still shine brightly, dear.

This light gives strength to my flagging thighs,

Tired, beaten, and almost falling to the ground.

You light up my sky,

Even as the darkness closes around me,

Like hands on my neck on a starry night.

Like a million years inside a quicksand.

If I walk faster, if I run harder

Would I be free of this spell which 

Bounds me to the nightmare I came from?

In bouts of hunger, I can feel your breath

On my skin, on my parched lips.

I close my eyes, and yet you're shining brightly still.

I cried, "Someone help me, please."

But no one was there to catch me--

Or even to pull me from the hole.

I can see your light, but now it seems so far.

Did you abandon me, too?

Have you gone deaf to my cries and tears?

A lone wolf calls from afar,

But it is still nearer than your dimming light.

Is it better that I stay here? 

Stay and let the luring folds of despair

Hold me, trap me, choke me?

I close my eyes--at least here, you shine brightly still.

R.M. 2021.06.29

Changing Seasons

Did you think of me as the leaves fell

And sunlight dimmed as it fell through the clouds

Not bothering to brighten the darkened street

Where you turned around and left

Without goodbye, just a sad, unfaithful smile.

Did you think of me as snowflakes fell

And grew into monsters of white walls

Covering the bridge where you said you loved me

Above all else, and gave me an inherited ring

Telling me it’s a token of forever love, an answered dream.

Did you think of me as the frost turned to dew

And dissipated with the weak sunlight through the roof

As the garden turned green once again

And the seeds you planted finally broke free and grew.

Like the love you confessed with a summer song.

Did you even think of me as the sun rose

In that humid day where tears fell like sweat

As a miracle happened between two people.

A gift, you said, and warmly gave me a hot embrace

You laughed then, and we danced like mischief-makers.

Did you think of me during those last few steps

And the summers of long past, that I now regret.

Did you walk away with a heavy heart and thought

Of the promises you’ve made but never kept.

Or do you still call my name during the nights your shoulder is in pain?

R.M. 2021.06.27

Fall Slowly

We fall

We fall

We fall

We fall slowly.

From a sad love full of pains

Of memories of betrayals

And neverending anxiousness

And of tears and long goodbyes,

We met quite suddenly.

Almost like a surprise.

And we fell

We fell

We fell

We are still falling.

With laughters and tears,

Unable to put a stop on things

We caved in and surrendered

Even knowing that our hearts

Are still tender as new reeds

In early spring, snow-covered still.

And so we fall

We fall

We fall

We are falling slowly.

One step at a time,

One inch, one foot, a meter,

Hellos and goodbyes.

We have never been good at this,

But still we risked our necks

And gave in to the desires.

Fall slower

Fall slower

Fall slower

We keep moving faster.

My heart is not yours yet,

And yet we move like one set.

Our hands fit together like gloves,

Your casual embrace melts my soul.

It makes me remember and forget,

Like changing seasons in hurricane.

Hold and fall deeper

Fall deeper

Fall deeper

And deeper still.

Spring, summer, fall, and winter.

You waited quite a while.

Loudly but quietly.

Elaborately smiling while you suffer

Just to find the me I lost last spring.

For a promise I now vow to keep.

R.M. 2021.06.27

I Will Forget You

I'll forget you.

Your scent, your smile,

That darling indentation beneath

Your laugh lines.

I will throw away all

The things that attracted me.

This is not right.

I could have done better

Than spend my days dreaming

Constantly about you.

I will remove your voice

From my memories.

Let the silence descent.

I would rather close my eyes,

And my heart, than remember you.

Your name will be banned

In my house, in my heart,

Until you become a stranger.

I'll burn your memories.

Until there's nothing left to remind me

Of the nights we spent together.

You have become like a curse,

That I need to exorcise from my life.

Go away.

I'll bury you.

This time, in the darkest corners.

Along with the times you loved me,

And soothed away the loneliness.

I will remember them no more.

Let the roots dry up and the tree die.

- RM. 2021.05.28

Wedding Veil

 They said it was impossible.

We're too far apart

We're too attached to our homeland

We're too ambitious for our own good

We're too busy to give it time

But you sent me flowers that night, 

And was waiting by my house's gate

That late summer night.

With a smile on your face

And a shy, "Are you surprised?"

Beloved, my darling born in Winter's coldest night,

They said it will never work

That compromise is not in our blood

We're too strong

We're too hardheaded

We're too set in our own ways

We're too proud to give in

But I took the red-eye for half a day

To be there on your special day.

So sing for me, love. Smile.

For so long we were burdened 

By the question of "Why?"

Why were we alone for so long?

We tried. Oh, how we tried.

How we loved, how we hurt

Only to be left again and again.

To be told that we're not enough,

Or that we are too much.

When the only thing we ever asked for

Was for the loneliness to stop.

We thought it was impossible

And almost gave up.

Thinking that this was it.

This hollow shadow inside would

Never lighten up. 

But spring came and so did my letter.

You tried to ignore it.

I tried to forget it.

But summer came, and so did your letter.

A whole new world opened anew.

My dearest, my smiling darling born in winter

They said it will never work

My family don't like you

Your family don't like me

They don't like our choices

They don't like our compromises

But here we are, tears in our eyes

Facing each other, flowing in the music

Hearts aching as we make our vows.

I am yours. You are mine. Forever.

- RM . 05.12.2021

Is This What Love Is?

 Is this what love is

I fall for another

But when I close my eyes

I still see you,

And your bright smile.

Taunting me of dreams

I've let go for a long time.

Is this what love is

I look at your pictures 

And call you ugly

But I smile, my heart smiles.

Because I see your bright eyes

Taunting me of dreams

I've taught myself to forget.

Is this what love is

I say I'm just fond of you

That I've given up.

But I see the sadness in your eyes

And the tears in your smiles.

Making me remember

Why we're the half of each other.

Is this what love is

I push thoughts of you

By loving another

But my heart clench

When I see a remembrance of you

Making me remember

Why we're the half of each other.

Is this how much I love you

That even when we don't talk

Even when we don't see each other

I remember the feel of your hands

The tears, kisses, and long goodbye

Taunting me of dreams

I don't want to remember.

Is this how much I love you

That when I hear the echo of your voice

See a shadow of your smile,

The subtle crinkling of your eyes,

Your confident stance reflected in another

My bruised heart still waits

For you to choose me this time.

-RM

2021.05.07

At the Corner of Heartache and Regret

I’ve waited so long for this moment
Is this how we can end?
Facing each other, miles apart
Unable to say the words
It took us thousands of years to find?


Is this really our last moment,
Our eyes burning with emptied resentment.
Our hearts filled with dull pain
Remembering everything and yet
Remembering nothing.


If I hold my hand out to you
Under the falling blooms, the soul of you
Under the bright moonlight, my promise
Will you come back to me
And hold me still? Stop this surrender?


Is this really our last goodbye?
A prolonged sentence of that long ago night.
Of me waiting for your revenge,
Willing to die for a promise I made
In exchange for your life?


Will we find each other again
Behind the veil, the endless, endless regrets?
If I open my mouth and declare
All the unuttered words choked in pain
Will you remember me fondly—finally?


If I open my arms wide, will you
Come back to me and fill this
Endless void you made when you went away?
Or should I surrender now and allow
The passage of time to erase you from my memories?



-RM
04.12.2021