I Hope You Hurt

 I said this a million times before,

"I hope you hurt!" I exclaimed time and again.

And in my mind I kept saying,

"I hope you love deeply,

I hope you love so strongly,

I hope you love so painfully,

That when the love breaks and the emotions ebb,

Your suffering will be like a wishing well

With bottomless hope and despair."

Like melancholia found at the bottom of the steep,

Endless cave carved at the side of the highest mountain.

I hoped you would soar to the highest plains,

That when you fall, you would also feel

This insurmountable pain of loving--

And losing it.

Like a mind brought to ecstasy by a genius spark,

Only to plummet to oblivion because of unclear marks.

I wanted this. I wished this for you.

After you gave me hope, only to take more than your due.

So that you may find greener pastures,

And more beautiful views.

So I hated and hated and hated.

Even as I ached because I loved you.

Each day a gamble of whether I curse you,

Or I let go of you.

Of me thinking clearly and realizing I am breaking,

And of me not caring and wishing the same for you.

Should I go on? This parade of pain unseen.

My mind is filled with yeses and nos,

Of pain acknowledged and ignored.

I am walking forward, but I stay in place.

This is what it feels like to love and be unloved.

The tears have stopped falling, 

The heart keeps on beating with steady rhythm.

But it's all for show, all for appearances.

As all I want to do is ruin you and hurt you.

Yet I ask myself--Is it love

If I curse you for breaking my heart?

Will it still be love if I curse you with the same pain,

The same hollowness, the same sadness?

Or will it be like a tantrum of a child scorned?

Like an overindulged cat with no sense of compassion?

Will it still be love if I chant each day,

"I hope you hurt"?

It has become a case of foolishness and lack of control.

But I cannot stop. For now, I cannot stop.

As pain floods the soul and drives away rational thoughts,

All I could do is hang on to despair and its accompanying sorrow.

Letting the storm finish its course,

That I may stop hating and despairing

For a love gone. A love loss.

And maybe wish you happy tidings when I remember your smiles.

But for now, let me hang on to my curses,

Hoping you do not fall on them.

Or maybe not.

#R.M. 21.12.24

I Will Be Your Quiet Place

The silent worries you've carried in your heart

Take them out and place them in your palm. 

Then take this open box and place them here.

And feel your worries disappear.

At least for today. 

Take my hand, winter child

And let me keep you warm today.

No words are needed, just be this way

Smile, sigh or stare into the Milky Way

While I hold your hand.

Unplug yourself and feel at peace,

Even if the phone rings, there is no rush.

Feel free and let your muscles relax,

Be comforted that responsibilities

Are in my pockets today.

If you need to lie down and close your eyes,

Do not feel sorry; do not be alarmed.

I will keep count of the hours

And shield you from the rising sun.

Tomorrow is soon enough.

Do not be afraid to waste time today,

For my arms are wide enough

To enjoy the extreme and the banal.

There will be no shrieks of fear.

There will be no limits here.

When the phone keeps ringing,

Articles keep multiplying, and 

Many people find faults in all your doings,

Keep your head high and your heart strong.

I will be behind you through it all.

If the sun shines bright tomorrow

And your steps are lighter, your smile easier.

I will still keep your box of worries in my pocket.

And hold your hand, and pat your back.

I will be your quiet place, always constant.

R.M. 21.11.15

Thirty-Six

 I hope this becomes a new beginning,

A new year of blessings

Of joy, tears, and pain

Overshadowed by hope

And better tomorrows.

I hope today you start believing

That you are more than praises

And hollow words of love.

That you will see the bright path ahead

Without artificial lights.

I hope that you remember to stop

And rest, taking stock of what you have,

What you plan to have, what you can't.

And see that in everything,

There's a bigger plan.

I hope that you trust not just your heart

Or the confusing noise of people 

Who aims to please when you are around,

But who questions when you are not.

But trust the power bigger than you are.

I hope that you step out of the ocean

And believe that impossible things

Can happen according to plan,

If you just believe. Just believe.

An exercise of more than just the body.

I hope that you win more

Not just hearts and awards,

But also forgotten mornings, afternoons,

Evenings, including orange-pink dawn breaks.

Breathe. Breathe. And take joy in what you have.

I hope that you celebrate this day

More than with wine, cakes, and vodka.

More with laughter, love, and acceptance

That you can be just as you are,

And be loved. Deeply loved.

Dearest winter child, happy birthday.

#R.M. 21.11.11

Autumn Rain

As the heavy droplets hit the glass of the car

I remembered you and your sparkling smile.

Are you well, my love?

Did you catch a cold?

I know how much you dislike the changes

In temperature and seasons.

The heavy lineup of cars in front,

And at the back made me a little lonesome.

For they stopped the clock 

And gave me time to think

About the things I told myself

To give up--like you.

My dear winter-child who brings sunshine,

Your hold over me traverse

Time and universe.

When you left my letter unopened

And my messages unanswered,

I knew then that this bitter hope

Should not be given free rein any longer.

But here I am still thinking,

Still wishing, still counting down

The days, the hours, the minutes.

Even though for you, my tears are less precious

Than the droplets on my windshield.

We made no promises, but

My heart is weighed down by wishes.

The light finally turned green.

And as I move slowly, a little forward, 

A little stop.

I was thankful for the distraction of 

Mindless actions. Reflexes,

Like my heart beating with your name,

And my eyes only seeing you

Despite the heavy rain.

The leaves are falling still.

Their colors are changing, even

As they get blown by the bitter wind.

They don't know where they are going.

But as they fall on the ground, wet,

They still hope for rebirth

And possibly, love.

#rmpsd 21.11.01

Dear Love,

 Dear Love,

When I said, "I hope you hurt!"

I wasn't thinking well. 

Or maybe I was. 

But it was mostly because I was incensed.

I opened myself to you.

Bared my burdens and losses,

My pains and regrets.

Even my secret joys and plans.

And yet you replied

With your silence

And the news of loving

Someone else.

Maybe Congreve was right

When he wrote about The Mourning Bride.

"Heaven has no rage, like love to hatred turned,

Nor hell a fury, like a woman scorned."

Only I don't hate you.

It was a momentary rage

In which my mouth opened 

And uttered a proposterous curse.

"I hope you hurt!"

But I didn't expect it will be like this.

With you publicly slighted,

With you bravely smiling still

Even when your eyes are full of sorrow,

And your lips look stiff of smiling.

I want to reach out and touch your face,

To tell you it's going to be okay.

That it will be better with time.

That the pain will fade away.

Like the pain you caused me,

With your callous ingenuity,

And preference for paper-deep beauty.

I can still hear the words on paper,

And your silent laugh full of love

But not for me.

I wished you were deeply hurt.

Yes.

But not like this. 

With you working like there's no tomorrow,

While someone else moves on

Without you.

Took away your smile,

Which I begrudged you many months ago.

Did I really cause this?

Or was it your people-loving personality?

Which always craves praises,

Upon praises, upon praises.

Along with reaffirmation.

I knew all these, but I loved you still.

Nevertheless, I take back my words.

I hope your hurt will only last a moment.

And you find a firmer footing,

Where the person within,

Does not need any validation,

Except from yourself alone.

So that you may accept love,

A love that's true. 

A love that's deep.

A love that will fill in the void.

May your pain ebb away.

May your hurt fade away.

And your hurt turn into a road

For a brighter happy ending.

R.M. 2021.08.23

At the End of the Day

 At the end of the day

After many nights of tears and heartaches,

This treacherous heart slowly eases.

The ache fades bit by bit

Until all that’s left

Is the sadness.

Of regret, of sorrow.

Of things left unsaid.

The well of tears dries up

Like a wanton abandoning

Its troubled mate.

The eyes that can only see you

Slowly closes, little by little.

The weight drowning the crying heart

Lightens like the sun breaking the dawn.

And the memories start to fade

Until I can no longer see your face.

Your eyes, your hands, your lips

Become fleeting memories.

The blood that stopped moving within,

Caving into coldness,

Had started pumping through the veins

Bringing warmth and lightness

Even as this troubled soul reaches

The lowest trench within.

I can’t see you now.

I can’t remember the small things.

I have forgotten your voice.

All your whispered laughter and doubts.

The feet have started moving,

Forward. Forward. And forward still.

Is this emptiness

The void in the storm

That was once called your love?

Or is this how love ends.

Just like this.

Just like this.

Like winter and summer

With no spring in between?

A lone wolf’s cry breaks the silence,

And my feet keep on moving.

At the end of the day,

The road was empty and open still.

R.M.  2021.08.04

Thirty-Five Years

 Behind you lies thirty-four years

Of happiness and pain

Of struggles and excitement

The endless parade of things to do

And pit-stops for refreshment.

Far and few in between,

But each step secure in its direction.

You are walking far, far,

As far as the star-lined pavement

Can take your heart and butterfly dreams.

In front of you lies miles and miles

Of unpaved yellow roads,

Roads not taken,

Roads not yet there,

And roads full of love and regrets.

Still, hold your head up high

And fly, run, walk,

Whatever you need to find

And touch those dreams

You've always kept in your heart.

Today, take a while to remember

All the good things that passed by,

All the bad things that made you cry.

Let your heart ache and rejoice

For a while--just a little while.

It is one of those rare times

When you can look back 

And look ahead.

Plan your steps based on your regrets,

On your shining thirty fifth year.

R.M. 2021.07.12

서인국 씨에게

You Shine Brightly

You shine brightly dear

Like the southern constellations

Dotting and flowing through New Zealand's sky.

As I walk through these impossible valleys,

This is what circles in my mind:

You still shine brightly, dear.

This light gives strength to my flagging thighs,

Tired, beaten, and almost falling to the ground.

You light up my sky,

Even as the darkness closes around me,

Like hands on my neck on a starry night.

Like a million years inside a quicksand.

If I walk faster, if I run harder

Would I be free of this spell which 

Bounds me to the nightmare I came from?

In bouts of hunger, I can feel your breath

On my skin, on my parched lips.

I close my eyes, and yet you're shining brightly still.

I cried, "Someone help me, please."

But no one was there to catch me--

Or even to pull me from the hole.

I can see your light, but now it seems so far.

Did you abandon me, too?

Have you gone deaf to my cries and tears?

A lone wolf calls from afar,

But it is still nearer than your dimming light.

Is it better that I stay here? 

Stay and let the luring folds of despair

Hold me, trap me, choke me?

I close my eyes--at least here, you shine brightly still.

R.M. 2021.06.29

Changing Seasons

Did you think of me as the leaves fell

And sunlight dimmed as it fell through the clouds

Not bothering to brighten the darkened street

Where you turned around and left

Without goodbye, just a sad, unfaithful smile.

Did you think of me as snowflakes fell

And grew into monsters of white walls

Covering the bridge where you said you loved me

Above all else, and gave me an inherited ring

Telling me it’s a token of forever love, an answered dream.

Did you think of me as the frost turned to dew

And dissipated with the weak sunlight through the roof

As the garden turned green once again

And the seeds you planted finally broke free and grew.

Like the love you confessed with a summer song.

Did you even think of me as the sun rose

In that humid day where tears fell like sweat

As a miracle happened between two people.

A gift, you said, and warmly gave me a hot embrace

You laughed then, and we danced like mischief-makers.

Did you think of me during those last few steps

And the summers of long past, that I now regret.

Did you walk away with a heavy heart and thought

Of the promises you’ve made but never kept.

Or do you still call my name during the nights your shoulder is in pain?

R.M. 2021.06.27

Fall Slowly

We fall

We fall

We fall

We fall slowly.

From a sad love full of pains

Of memories of betrayals

And neverending anxiousness

And of tears and long goodbyes,

We met quite suddenly.

Almost like a surprise.

And we fell

We fell

We fell

We are still falling.

With laughters and tears,

Unable to put a stop on things

We caved in and surrendered

Even knowing that our hearts

Are still tender as new reeds

In early spring, snow-covered still.

And so we fall

We fall

We fall

We are falling slowly.

One step at a time,

One inch, one foot, a meter,

Hellos and goodbyes.

We have never been good at this,

But still we risked our necks

And gave in to the desires.

Fall slower

Fall slower

Fall slower

We keep moving faster.

My heart is not yours yet,

And yet we move like one set.

Our hands fit together like gloves,

Your casual embrace melts my soul.

It makes me remember and forget,

Like changing seasons in hurricane.

Hold and fall deeper

Fall deeper

Fall deeper

And deeper still.

Spring, summer, fall, and winter.

You waited quite a while.

Loudly but quietly.

Elaborately smiling while you suffer

Just to find the me I lost last spring.

For a promise I now vow to keep.

R.M. 2021.06.27

I Will Forget You

I'll forget you.

Your scent, your smile,

That darling indentation beneath

Your laugh lines.

I will throw away all

The things that attracted me.

This is not right.

I could have done better

Than spend my days dreaming

Constantly about you.

I will remove your voice

From my memories.

Let the silence descent.

I would rather close my eyes,

And my heart, than remember you.

Your name will be banned

In my house, in my heart,

Until you become a stranger.

I'll burn your memories.

Until there's nothing left to remind me

Of the nights we spent together.

You have become like a curse,

That I need to exorcise from my life.

Go away.

I'll bury you.

This time, in the darkest corners.

Along with the times you loved me,

And soothed away the loneliness.

I will remember them no more.

Let the roots dry up and the tree die.

- RM. 2021.05.28

Wedding Veil

 They said it was impossible.

We're too far apart

We're too attached to our homeland

We're too ambitious for our own good

We're too busy to give it time

But you sent me flowers that night, 

And was waiting by my house's gate

That late summer night.

With a smile on your face

And a shy, "Are you surprised?"

Beloved, my darling born in Winter's coldest night,

They said it will never work

That compromise is not in our blood

We're too strong

We're too hardheaded

We're too set in our own ways

We're too proud to give in

But I took the red-eye for half a day

To be there on your special day.

So sing for me, love. Smile.

For so long we were burdened 

By the question of "Why?"

Why were we alone for so long?

We tried. Oh, how we tried.

How we loved, how we hurt

Only to be left again and again.

To be told that we're not enough,

Or that we are too much.

When the only thing we ever asked for

Was for the loneliness to stop.

We thought it was impossible

And almost gave up.

Thinking that this was it.

This hollow shadow inside would

Never lighten up. 

But spring came and so did my letter.

You tried to ignore it.

I tried to forget it.

But summer came, and so did your letter.

A whole new world opened anew.

My dearest, my smiling darling born in winter

They said it will never work

My family don't like you

Your family don't like me

They don't like our choices

They don't like our compromises

But here we are, tears in our eyes

Facing each other, flowing in the music

Hearts aching as we make our vows.

I am yours. You are mine. Forever.

- RM . 05.12.2021

Is This What Love Is?

 Is this what love is

I fall for another

But when I close my eyes

I still see you,

And your bright smile.

Taunting me of dreams

I've let go for a long time.

Is this what love is

I look at your pictures 

And call you ugly

But I smile, my heart smiles.

Because I see your bright eyes

Taunting me of dreams

I've taught myself to forget.

Is this what love is

I say I'm just fond of you

That I've given up.

But I see the sadness in your eyes

And the tears in your smiles.

Making me remember

Why we're the half of each other.

Is this what love is

I push thoughts of you

By loving another

But my heart clench

When I see a remembrance of you

Making me remember

Why we're the half of each other.

Is this how much I love you

That even when we don't talk

Even when we don't see each other

I remember the feel of your hands

The tears, kisses, and long goodbye

Taunting me of dreams

I don't want to remember.

Is this how much I love you

That when I hear the echo of your voice

See a shadow of your smile,

The subtle crinkling of your eyes,

Your confident stance reflected in another

My bruised heart still waits

For you to choose me this time.

-RM

2021.05.07

At the Corner of Heartache and Regret

I’ve waited so long for this moment
Is this how we can end?
Facing each other, miles apart
Unable to say the words
It took us thousands of years to find?


Is this really our last moment,
Our eyes burning with emptied resentment.
Our hearts filled with dull pain
Remembering everything and yet
Remembering nothing.


If I hold my hand out to you
Under the falling blooms, the soul of you
Under the bright moonlight, my promise
Will you come back to me
And hold me still? Stop this surrender?


Is this really our last goodbye?
A prolonged sentence of that long ago night.
Of me waiting for your revenge,
Willing to die for a promise I made
In exchange for your life?


Will we find each other again
Behind the veil, the endless, endless regrets?
If I open my mouth and declare
All the unuttered words choked in pain
Will you remember me fondly—finally?


If I open my arms wide, will you
Come back to me and fill this
Endless void you made when you went away?
Or should I surrender now and allow
The passage of time to erase you from my memories?



-RM
04.12.2021

Dear My Universe

My favorite song, I dedicate to you.

In reflection of your honest

Heart and heartfelt actions.

Indeed, as I walk the streets

Filled with your words and memories

I can only remember this:

I will be the greatest fan of your life.

In the quiet dawn, my tears fall for you.

As I remember our promises,

Our dreams which divided our paths.

The street of broken hearts,

That we walked that long-ago night.

A long moment of falling snow,

As you asked me to stay. Stay.

In the darkness of the pre-dawn, I miss you.

I replay your words in my mind

And wished I answered yes. Yes.

And let you get closer to me,

Holding me tight during the winter nights.

I regret this now, this wretched habit

Of pushing away, even when I wanted to stay.

Lost in the memories, your eyes become my map.

If I come back, will you lead me again

Back into your embrace?

I am tired of  wandering through the galaxy

And never finding you where I need you.

Do you feel the same pain?

As if it was yesterday that we walked away.

Did you find your answers, away from me?

Were the stars brighter on your end?

These roads we took, did you discover

The missing dot on your road to greatness?

I cry, because all I did was miss you.

My world change, but not for the better.

I want you back, shake my world once again.

Stay. I ask you to stay. 

Let's not take each other for granted again.

In a galaxy filled with wild shooting stars,

Let us stay together and be brighter still.

Turn this broken road into our own universe.

Let us be the warmth in each other's winter rain.

Hold each other tighter, even in the dark.

I Only See You

On the eve of your day,

I look through all my saved memories

And find your face in the midst of many

So many people that I know,

And those I don’t.

And yet I only see you.

It’s your eyes, your lips,

Your nose, and the voice

That I can hear even 

When you’re not speaking.

Is this the web you weaved

On my mind, on my heart?

I closed my eyes and 

Tried to dispel your magic.

I looked to the right

Found little sparkles on the left

And troubled shiny things

On the right, amongst many.

And yet I only see you.

Color your hair light,

Color your hair brighter,

Color your hair your color,

In the end, it is you.

And what’s beneath that I see.

That one thing you promised to me.

But where are you now?

Away, far away, going even farther.

The promise you made last December

Was as fleeting as your smiles

Today, yesterday, a week before.

Can you still see yourself in the mirror?

Are you lost now, my tree?

Are your roots hanging by the thread

Along the suddenly surging river

Overflowing stream, once dreaming

Now a frightening reality.

Still, I can only see you.

As you were when we held hands,

When we whispered silly jokes.

And tried to offend each other,
So we can make up afterwards.

And yet you seem lost now, my star.

Find your way back through my eyes.

#RM

03/28/2021

AT THE PINNACLE

Today, as I celebrate the day I was

Meant to be.

I closed my eyes and wished

To see your eyes shining,

Smiling shyly.

Your lips both happy and mysterious.

Will you celebrate with me?

Will you finally answer my call,

That you've long ignored.

Despite your long ago promises

That I will be your universe.

As I have made you mine.

Can you now take my hand,

And hold it tight?

When you're at your prime,

The pinnacle of your fame,

Your star shining brighter than ever

As you've wished long ago.

Will you now open my letters?

The one I wrote you ages ago,

After a bittersweet goodbye,

And repeated whispers of

"I will come back for sure."

Today, can you make time to answer

My longing calls and hidden sighs?

Or is your schedule still full

Overflowing to the point

That your next time has

Become a long goodbye?

Can you finally let me know

And not leave me hanging here

If you will still come back to me

Or should I surrender and

Consider my diverging roads

And choose the one without you?

Today, as I celebrate the day I was

Meant to be.

I have come to  a crossroad of pain

And maybe fading sorrow.

I will not wait for you anymore.

So answer me now,

Or forget me forevermore.

#RM

03.22.2021

SPRING CHILD

To the child born in spring,

How are you?

Do you still play the piano

With smile in your eyes

And tears in your heart?

Do you still struggle with the words

That would open your soul

To the people who would not

Listen?

To the people who would rather

Not listen?

To the child born of love,

Our sun is rising and the

Wind blows hot and empty.

The winter has passed,

And summer is waiting around the corner.

Do you still play the piano

With smile in your eyes

And tragedy in your mind?

Do you still remember the pain

That would not lessen with the

Time?

Or the endless insecurities that

Respects no time?

To the child born under the blooms,

It’s the time of flowers

And greeneries, of hope for the future.

The trees are happy,

And the roads are paved with songs.

Do you still play the piano

With smile in your eyes

Thinking of lullabies you heard when you were

Young?

The melodies sang by your mother and father

When they were young?

To the child born after the snow,

Why does everything feel sad

When there’s joy around you and

Hearts sprinkled on your path?

Do you still play the piano

With smile in your eyes

And invisible tears because no one

Understands?

That the pain you live in magnifies as love

Fails to understand?

To my dearest spring child,

How are you?

It’s been so long since we shared

The pain and loss which flows like the river.

Do you still play the piano

With tears in your eyes

For the one we lost

That summer we tried to be together

But chose our paths.

Our upward paths.

And lost ourselves—our hearts.

#rm

03/13/2021

This is Where Stars Land

Step up and come closer

This is the place they told you about. 

They only give you two choices,

Of where to land.

Will you step on the mire?

A quicksand dressed up in gold.

Slowly but surely, tugging you deeper

As you move your head—turn and turn.

Will you step on the bridge?

A crossroad of fame and static dreams.

Here you will stay as long as you wish,

But without choosing, your feet turn to stone.

Come closer, and closer still.

Look at the footprints.

Smudges on concrete and mud,

Unsure of the directions the owners have taken.

Will you follow the queen?

Still locked on her tower.

Or maybe the princess?

Taken by the beast to the enchanted forest.

No one has seen them

Since they were taken there,

Except when we needed a laugh,

A splice of false love, life, or despair.

Will you follow the king?

He’s still there in the dungeon perfecting himself.

Or maybe the prince?

The mass has taken over his consciousness.

No one has seen them

Since the ninety-four, when they started the walk.

Then they climbed and lost all control.

Everybody loves them, but no one really cares.

Have you seen them?

Have you taken their direction?

The mire or the bridge? 

They are your only options—

Except maybe to soar and fly,

And reach for the elusive bluer sky.

Like a phantom marriage of happy endings.

Only to find Icarus falling steadily from the top.

Come closer and closer still.

My innocent bystander with hidden dreams.

Dream higher and higher and give it to me.

In exchange for a choice on where your star leads.

- rmpsd

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